


Survivor IV: Romania

by Augustus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BDSM, F/M, Genderswap, Humor, M/M, Multishipping, Pop!Culture!Voldemort, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-24
Updated: 2002-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 21:12:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3223619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The much awaited fourth season of Survivor stars some familiar faces... (UNFINISHED)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivor IV: Romania

**Author's Note:**

> Credits: The various series of Survivor for certain challenges. Charlie for the fabbo beta

** The Cast: **

**Gryffindor Team**  
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington  
Hermione Granger  
Rubeus Hagrid  
Minerva McGonagall  
Harry Potter  
Fred Weasley  
George Weasley  
Ron Weasley

 **Slytherin Team**  
The Bloody Baron  
Millicent Bulstrode  
Vincent Crabbe  
Gregory Goyle  
Draco Malfoy  
Pansy Parkinson  
Severus Snape  
Lord Voldemort

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DAY ONE:

 **The arrival:** Sixteen new suckers are deposited in the middle of nowhere - this time, the heart of Romania. Divided into two teams, Slytherin and Gryffindor, they quickly head towards their campsites, their lack of enthusiasm already showing the downside of selecting a bunch of Britons this time around. Immediately it becomes obvious that someone in the chain of CBS command has messed up. Apparently, the new contestants all know each other. Mark Burnett tries to cover the mistake, suggesting it was an intentional move, inspired by 'The Amazing Race'. No one is fooled. Jeff Probst is already collecting enemies, wandering around the campsites and generally making a nuisance of himself. The cameramen ignore him. So do the contestants.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe is first to locate their water source, a river 100 metres south of their campsite. Water vessels are filled, but then have to be emptied, sterilised and filled again after Hermione notices a large black dog cavorting up stream. Hagrid is sent back to the campsite in disgrace. The rest of the team questions the wisdom of dogs as luxury items. Fred points out that Fang could come in handy should the tribe get a little peckish. Everyone cheers up a little.

 **Slytherin:** The tribe is having less luck in establishing their camp. By nightfall, they are still arguing about whom is most deserving of the title of 'tribal chief'. Rock, paper, scissors is not a success. Eventually it is decided that all tribe members will be chiefs. The creation of fire is a little difficult, as a temper tantrum from Voldemort has resulted in CBS confiscating everyone's wands for an hour's 'time out'. Snape gains instant popularity by whipping some up with his luxury item chemistry set. He opts not to reveal that he was actually attempting to make a cup of tea.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe members have discovered their food supply. The Weasleys are less than impressed with the twelve varieties of rice and seven varieties of gruel on offer. McGonagall changes into a cat in order to 'hunt down some real food', but is promptly chased out of camp by Fang. Hermione manages to create fire, thanks to the 'Wizards Big Book of Survival', her luxury item. Ron is unimpressed. Harry pokes the fire with a stick and almost sets himself on fire. This time, Ron _is_ impressed.

 **Slytherin:** Pansy attempts to create a vegetarian risotto from rice, dirt and leaves. It is not a success. The tribe goes to bed hungry. The Bloody Baron tries to distract everyone from their loudly rumbling stomachs by telling ghost stories. Talk of disembowelling just serves to heighten everyone's hunger, however. Eventually Crabbe eats Millicent's teddy bear. She is not pleased. He offers her _his_ luxury item in exchange, but she feels she'll have little use for a purple-sequinned g-string. A sudden bout of nausea overcomes the tribe members. No-one sleeps well.

DAY TWO:

 **Gryffindor:** McGonagall has still not returned, but Fang appears to be sporting a rather pleased expression. Sir Nicholas expresses concern at the twin's sleeping arrangements, but Fred and George explain that sharing the one sleeping bag helps to preserve body heat. Ron offers to climb in with Hermione that evening. The next half-hour is consumed trying to stop the bleeding.

 **Slytherin:** Millicent's teddy bear has not settled well in Crabbe's stomach. He wakes the rest of the tribe with his noisy retching. Draco disappears in a sulk after Goyle attempts to use his Firebolt as fire _wood_. Millicent is similarly unimpressed, complaining about the general lack of respect for luxury items. Again, Crabbe offers to lend her _his_. No one feels like breakfast.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry and Hagrid go to check for post. The message is written on a roll of toilet paper, one word to a sheet. The tribe is more interested in the loo roll than the clue it bears to the first reward challenge. McGonagall returns, in human form, with a small chunk missing from one ear.

 **Slytherin:** Snape collects the mail. Pansy complains that the toilet roll is one rather than three ply. An argument about who should read the clue aloud ensues. A few Cruciatus curses later, it is decided that Voldemort should do so. The toilet roll has disappeared, however, as has Crabbe. The tribe members agree that they're not that desperate to hear the clue after all.

 **The reward challenge:** Draco and Crabbe reappear just in time. Jeff Probst is at hand, complete with smarmy grins and annoying commentary. The task of crossing the river with the least amount of team members getting wet is dismissed by the competitors as being 'piss weak'. It proves something of a challenge, however. Although each provided with a large boat, several members of each team believe they have a better way of doing things. Draco attempts to walk on water, with little success. Hagrid calls a giant squid from the depths in order to bear him to the other side, but the squid misinterprets the hand gestures and adopts Hagrid as his new girlfriend. The two ghosts successfully glide across, but Voldemort is unsuccessful in his attempt to cast an Avada Kedavra curse on the river, instead falling face first into its depths. Jeff Probst smiles toothily and announces Gryffindor the winner, handing them their prize of fire. The tribe politely informs him that they already _have_ fire. The cameramen attempt to put Probst out, while the tribes stand around laughing.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe is pleased with their win, although still rather annoyed with their non-reward. Hagrid is still missing. Hermione tells everyone exactly what they did wrong in the challenge. Everyone tells Hermione exactly where to stick her opinions. Ron offers to share his sleeping bag with Harry. Harry looks at the twins and mutters something about a prior engagement. Rice for dinner. 

**Slytherin:** The tribe spends most of the evening discussing ways to avenge their loss. After the curses wear off, Draco cooks dinner, displaying a surprising flair for concocting a meal out of rice, gruel and purple sequins. Pansy sulks into her mirror for two hours, complaining that her own cooking talents are unappreciated. Snape whips up after dinner cocktails for everyone on his chemistry set. The tribe retires in a fit of giggles, with the contestants spending the night wherever they happen to fall.

DAY THREE:

 **Gryffindor:** Hagrid still hasn't returned. Hermione cooks a breakfast of gruel while Sir Nicholas looks disapprovingly at the twins' rather crowded sleeping bag. Harry is unrepentant. At the sight of breakfast, McGonagall changes back into a cat and chows down on her luxury item Whiskas instead. Hermione returns to her sleeping bag to sulk. Ron offers to keep her company. Sir Nicholas begins to wish that ghosts had a need for sleeping bags.

 **Slytherin:** Everyone in the tribe awakes with throbbing headaches. The Slytherins are too busy feeling ill to prevent Pansy from taking on the job of breakfast preparation. Less dirt and the introduction of a few twigs is not enough to create an appetising meal. Various tribe members attempt to throttle the cook, only to retire back to bed holding their heads. It takes two hours for the group to realise that Millicent is missing. No one cares.

 **Gryffindor:** Hagrid returns, smiling broadly. The twins point out to Sir Nicholas that they're at least not sharing their sleeping bag with a giant squid. Sir Nicholas is most relieved. Harry collects the mail. It's a piece of bark. Hagrid suggests that they might be expected to make animal noises for immunity. The twins exchange a glance.

 **Slytherin:** Pansy offers to cook lunch, and is promptly sent to collect the mail. Another argument ensues over who is to read out the clue. The bark is torn into shreds and the discussion becomes rather unnecessary. The tribe decides that they didn't really want immunity anyway.

 **The immunity challenge:** Draco arrives on broomstick and Jeff Probst is suitably impressed. Draco gives him a false phone number. The tribes glare at each other as Probst announces the challenge rules - simply roll a large stone from one end of a paddock to another. There are further mutters of 'piss weak'. Millicent still hasn't reappeared, but it doesn't really matter, as McGonagall has chosen to remain in feline form, and the Gryffindor tribe is therefore down a couple of opposable thumbs themselves. Two seconds into the challenge, Slytherin is disqualified for deliberately rolling their stone over their Gryffindor counterparts. They seem remarkably unworried about losing their chance at immunity. The Gryffindor tribe members fail to see what's so funny.

 **Slytherin:** The tribe members busy themselves with the formation of alliances, then retire to bed to dress their wounds.

 **Gryffindor:** McGonagall coughs up a fur-ball. A productive night all round.

DAY FOUR:

 **Gryffindor:** On waking, Ron asks Harry whom they're planning to vote for that evening. Harry reminds Ron that they _won_ the previous day's challenge. Ron mutters something about being distracted by sleeping bags. McGonagall (having returned to human form some time during the night) cooks the tribe's breakfast. Sir Nicholas looks rather pleased about not needing to eat when several tribe members complain of cat fur in the gruel. Fang has a hearty breakfast.

 **Slytherin:** None of the tribe members are talking to each other. Everyone cooks their own breakfast, and it turns out to be the most successful meal yet. Draco realises that they are yet to find their water source, which might explain the tribe's recent hallucinations. A spring is discovered only metres away from camp. Everyone feels sheepish. Millicent has still not reappeared. The tribe begins to suspect that a passing dragon may have eaten her. Everyone finds the thought highly amusing. 

**Gryffindor:** The twins head off for a walk. Ron attempts to join them, but is quickly sent back to camp. Harry suggests that the tribe could have fun carving chess pieces out of rocks. Hermione suggests that Harry should learn a new definition of 'fun'. Ron offers to teach him one, but Harry succumbs to a sudden headache. Fred and George return after an hour, complaining of sunburn in some very peculiar places. Sir Nicholas looks disapproving. McGonagall distracts him by turning a rock into a small origami bird. Hagrid accidentally steps on McGonagall's creation and spends the next four hours crying.

 **Slytherin:** The tribe's day takes a sharp downturn when Millicent returns. Voldemort takes to muttering, "here dragon, dragon," under his breath. The newly discovered spring is put to use and the tribe washes for the first time since they arrived in Romania. The campsite immediately becomes a more pleasant place to stay. Draco and Voldemort discuss the viability of killing Millicent and using her fat deposits to manufacture a crude bar of soap. Snape puts an end to their plans by refusing to let them foul his chemistry set with essence of Millicent.

 **Gryffindor:** Evening. Hagrid is still crying, refusing to believe his fellow tribe members when they tell him that paper birds are not alive and therefore cannot be crushed to death. Sir Nicholas mutters something about crushing _Hagrid_ to death if he doesn't shut up. Ron mutters something about Sir Nicholas having PMS. 

**Tribal council:** Slytherin are not pleased at having to traipse halfway across Romania just so that Jeff Probst doesn't have to move far from his five-star motel room. They are even less pleased when Probst makes a disparaging remark about it having taken them four days to find their water supply. Once Probst regains consciousness, the questioning begins. No-one seems eager to reveal an alliance, but Goyle offers to do a song and dance number for the cameras. Votes are cast and tallied. Crabbe receives one (with a mysterious drawing of a teddy bear at the bottom) and the rest go to Millicent. Millicent is not impressed.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry expresses concern about the possibility of Draco having been voted out. Hermione suggests that the removal of his enemy from the game should be a happy thought. Harry suggests that Hermione should learn to mind her own business. Fred and George offer to share their sleeping bag with Harry again to cheer him up. Sir Nicholas offers to cook tea, but the flaw in his plan is revealed when it becomes evident that ghosts cannot wield cooking pots, let alone divvy out rice mush. The tribe goes to bed hungry. Hagrid cries himself to sleep.

 **Slytherin:** Everyone is pleased to see Millicent go, although Draco and Voldemort are still annoyed about the lack of soap. Crabbe cooks a filling meal of pebble soup and the Bloody Baron provides dinner music on a ghostly comb and tissue paper harmonica. Snape calls Pansy 'Pekinese Parkinson' and earns a round of applause from his tribemates. Pansy is unimpressed. No one cares.

DAY FIVE:

 **Gryffindor:** McGonagall wakes at the crack of dawn and sets about filling water containers, muttering all the time about 'having to do everything around here'. Ron calmly points out that martyr complexes are an unattractive look. McGonagall pours the contents of aforementioned water containers on Ron's head. Ron's sleeping bag is drenched. Hermione tells him not to get any ideas.

 **Slytherin:** A sulking Pansy refuses to cook breakfast for anyone as punishment for the previous night's name calling. The tribe attempts to look disappointed. Snape discovers that gruel tastes better with a little added mercury and figures that he'll have been voted out of the tribe long before any of the side effects come into play. Goyle has taken to calling Crabbe his bitch. The tribe tries not to delve into the connotations.

 **Gryffindor:** The twins collect the tree-mail. It seems to take a great deal longer than usual to do so. When they arrive back, George's shirt is on backwards. Fred suggests that the wind probably blew it around. No one is convinced. The clue seems to imply that the tribes will be expected to write badly constructed poetry for the reward challenge. Hermione sits everyone down with pens and paper to practice. Sir Nicholas takes to wandering around the campsite reciting rude limericks. Harry suggests that he's been associating with Peeves for too many centuries.

 **Slytherin:** Draco collects the clue but refuses to read it, saying that poetry is for girls. Pansy quickly hides the love poem she had been composing under a rock. Voldemort suggests that the tribe should actually try to win the day's challenge, as he's getting a little tired of the diet of rice, gruel and pebbles and the second reward is often something to do with food. The Bloody Baron asks him how he knows, and Voldemort reluctantly admits to having had cable installed in his Dastardly Underground Lair of Evil (TM). Goyle offers his soul in exchange for a few taped copies of his favourite series: _Sexy Sorcerers Have It Off_.

 **The reward challenge:** Jeff Probst is still looking a little charred, but unfortunately has too great a work ethic when it comes to annoying Reality TV contestants to not turn up. He announces that the two tribes will be doing 'word jumbles' in order to win their reward: a picnic hamper full of tasty treats. The tribes look blank. A cameraman is kind enough to translate 'word jumble' into 'word search' for the British contestants. The tribes seem to be saying 'piss weak' through eyebrow movements alone. Hermione quickly takes on the role of group leader for Gryffindor and, for once, no one minds. Slytherin tribe opts for anarchy, with the various tribe members indulging in a strange variety of Twister as they all try to circle words at once. Hermione circles all ten words (without an iota of help from her tribe mates) before the Slytherins have managed one. The challenge results begin to get a little predictable. Gryffindor claim their picnic and Slytherin show that there's no hard feelings by smashing the word search board over Harry's head.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry regains consciousness, only to find that the other members of his tribe have already consumed the picnic. He is not pleased and wanders off into a corner of the shelter to sulk. Sir Nicholas is not too happy either, due to the blatantly anti-ghost nature of the reward, and bores the others for hours, taking about how he intends to have _harsh words_ with Mark Burnett. The picnic lunch does not sit too well in the previously rice-and-gruel-filled stomachs of the Gryffindor feasters. Within an hour, Ron, Hermione, McGonagall, Hagrid and the twins are all throwing up behind various bushes. Harry laughs himself to sleep.

 **Slytherin:** There is a general consensus that CBS has been rigging the results of the challenges. A pleasant evening is spent discussing different methods of revenge. The crucifixion of Jeff Probst features prominently in about ninety percent of them. Voldemort cooks dinner, neatly sending a few local endangered species into extinction. Smoke inhalation causes him to fall face first into the fire, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to his Dark Lord looks. Snape discovers that endangered species also taste good with a little added mercury. After a few rousing rounds of "Ninety-nine bottles of butter beer on the wall", the Slytherins retire for the night. The Bloody Baron wanders around the campsite muttering plaintively that he hardly gets any lines.

DAY SIX:

 **Gryffindor:** Most of the tribe members are still feeling ill from the previous night's feasting. Harry makes a point of loudly eating a great deal of gruel for breakfast while repeatedly commenting on how good the food is. It takes an entire ten seconds before Fred politely asks him to shut up. McGonagall then spends fifteen minutes complaining about the Harry-shaped dent in their only frying pan. Ron's sleeping bag is still soaking wet.

 **Slytherin:** The tribe has leftover endangered species casserole for breakfast, leaving them in high spirits. Voldemort is the man of the moment. He takes advantage of the opportunity, handing out fliers for his Dark Lord fanclub (with free Dark Mark tattoo!). Unfortunately, all this does is give the other tribe members ideas, and they all spend the morning creating fanclubs of their own.

 **Gryffindor:** Hagrid takes Fang for walkies and picks up the tree-mail while he's out of camp. The tribe is starting to feel quite infallible and has no doubt that they'll be able to beat the Slytherin tribe for a fourth time, so no one bothers reading the clue. To kill time until the challenge, Ron offers to teach Hermione to swim in the nearby river. Hermione informs him that she already knows how to swim, and didn't pack a bathing suit anyway. Ron generously says that she doesn't have to wear one. Hermione gives Ron a lesson in holding his breath underwater for an extended length of time.

 **Slytherin:** No one can be bothered picking up the tree-mail. The fanclubs are getting a little out of hand. Most of the morning is spent nursing casualties from the heated turf war. Voldemort is no longer the man of the moment. There is much muttering about the Dork Lord, as he begins to be called.

 **The immunity challenge:** The two tribes gather, only to discover that they’re facing the infamous ‘eat revolting things’ challenge. Jeff Probst, smiling inanely, launches into a long and boring speech about the dining practices of some of the life forms that can be found on the continent. Goyle kills time by throwing rocks at the Gryffindor tribe. Gryffindor retaliates and a full-scale pebble-tossing war ensues. Probst is ‘accidentally’ caught in the crossfire. While the paramedics patch up his broken ribs, Mark Burnett wheels in the challenge props – fifteen bags of what is very obviously human blood, complete with labels stating ‘Property of the Red Cross’. Gryffindor tribe is horrified. Probst recovers enough to launch into a spiel about vampires, then the tribe members are presented with individual blood bags and told to drink. Sir Nicholas launches into another rant about ghost discrimination. The Bloody Baron joins in. While Burnett bribes them to be quiet, the Slytherin tribe is quite happily feasting on blood. Of the Gryffindors, however, only Ron manages to consume his entire bag. The Dork Lord suggests that CBS use unicorn blood in the future, as it’s much more tasty. It’s an easy win to Slytherin.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe can’t believe they’ve actually lost. Hermione is in a full sulk, complaining about how blatantly the challenge was skewed towards Slytherin. Harry mutters something about bloodstains suiting Draco. His tribemates are appalled. Hagrid is still sniffling over Voldemort’s unicorn comment, much to the annoyance of everyone else. Ron’s sleeping bag is _still_ wet and he begins to suspect foul play. The twins giggle and wander off for another walk. McGonagall gets sick of no-one speaking to her and turns into a cat. Sir Nicholas disappears off on a date with the Bloody Baron. The atmosphere in the Gryffindor camp is the least amiable it’s ever been. 

**Slytherin:** Most of the tribe members are quite annoyed about their win, as they were looking forward to voting another person out of their tribe. The Bloody Baron is in strangely high spirits, wandering around the camp humming ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ in a rather scary manner. Snape whips up a dinner of Rice au Mercury, but everyone else is still feeling nicely full of blood, so he ends up eating the lot. Draco spends an hour trying to explain to Pansy that most people don’t find Pekineses attractive. Pansy refuses to believe that he’s not flirting with her. Draco retires to bed early, feeling rather nauseous. Goyle makes Crabbe a dog collar and leash out of pebble-studded bark, then proceeds to take him for walkies. Voldemort ignores his tribemates and spends several hours drawing up Evil Blueprints (TM) in the dirt.

 **Gryffindor:** A little worried about the Draco comment, Harry finally allows Ron to share his sleeping bag, especially as Ron’s seems only to be getting wetter. Hermione looks a little put out, and is not at all impressed by the twins’ offer to show her how _real_ Weasleys share body heat. McGonagall turns back into human form in order to suggest to Hagrid that they should probably have a word to Dumbledore about student morality as soon as they return to Hogwarts. Hagrid laughs that Dumbledore is the last person who should be lecturing about morality. McGonagall decides that she really doesn’t want to know, and promptly turns back into a cat. No one feels like dinner.

 **Slytherin:** Crabbe and Goyle return. Goyle has taught Crabbe a couple of new tricks and the latter promptly dashes around the campsite fetching everyone’s slippers. Everyone goes to bed early, exhausted from the day’s blood drinking escapades. Voldemort mutters plans for world domination in his sleep, making him even less popular with those trying to sleep on either side of him. In the wee hours of the morning, the tribe is woken by ghostly moans. The Bloody Baron appears soon afterwards, looking sheepish and even more scruffy than usual. He retires to a round of applause.

DAY SEVEN: 

**Gryffindor:** A rogue giraffe, an escapee from Survivor III, wanders into the campsite in the early hours of daylight. The tribe, still feeling a little hungover from the previous day's loss, spends twenty minutes simply running about and screaming like schoolgirls. While this is fair enough in Hermione's case, it's a rather unflattering look for everyone else. When the crisis is over, Sir Nicholas amuses everyone by floating around the campsite with an "I just got laid" glow. His head seems to be slightly askew.

 **Slytherin:** The tribe members lose a little of their annoyance at not being able to vote out one of their own members when they finally cotton on to the fact that one of the Gryffindors will soon be heading home. There is much talk of Potter being the obvious choice, with Draco leading the conversation in a rather _over_ -enthusiastic manner. Snape mutters something about protesting too much, causing Pansy to flee in a tumult of tears and Draco to twat Snape over the head with his broomstick.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe suddenly remembers that they will be heading to tribal council that evening. Hagrid bursts into tears. Ron (who has an "I shared Harry's sleeping bag" glow) tells him to be quiet, as he's getting a little predictable. Hagrid blows his nose on Fang, startling McGonagall back into human form. Hermione launches into a speech about the relative merits of alliances and single-mindedness. The twins silence her by dropping Ron's still-wet sleeping bag over her head. Harry's scar begins to hurt, causing him to whine at length about it predicting another attempt on his life by Voldemort. Ron consoles him (thoroughly) and suggests that the scar might just be picking up Radio Four again instead. Relief all 'round.

 **Slytherin:** Draco spends several hours complaining about the greasy state of his broomstick, thanks to its brief encounter with Snape's head. Several comments from Crabbe and Goyle about the gel-ridden state of his own pureblood locks are painstakingly ignored. In an attempt to prove her disinterest in Draco, Pansy makes a concerted effort to seduce the Bloody Baron, who points out that - even if he were interested in girls - she wouldn't be much good to him if she couldn't ever touch his ghostly goolies. Pansy's sulk is covered by everyone else's laughter. There is much talk of phantasms.

 **Tribal council:** The Gryffindors all look rather nervous when they arrive, possibly due to the fact that Jeff Probst greets them with the kind of smile that would have looked good on Jaws. Unsurprisingly, the questioning reveals that the twins have an alliance. Harry mutters something about already having had three 'alliances', although he really hadn't intended to be slut!Harry in this fic. The voting occurs without incident. After they have been arranged in the most suspension-filled manner, Probst reveals the votes. One to Hagrid, two to Sir Nicholas (in identical handwriting) and the rest to McGonagall. McGonagall is not pleased, and stalks off, threatening to fail everyone once they get back to Hogwarts, Hagrid and Sir Nicholas included.

 **Gryffindor:** Back in camp, the tribe discusses the voting and comes to the conclusion that they don't really care, seeing as they're all still in the running for the million. The twins offer to cook dinner and serve up a lovely dish of Ron's Sleeping Bag on Rice. It's a little chewy, but gives Ron an excuse to bunk in with Harry again. The evening is spent playing charades. Fang wins.

 **Slytherin:** The tribe holds a "one less Gryffindor" party. Crabbe and Goyle entertain everyone by performing key scenes from the Lassie movies. Snape makes everyone cocktails again, favouring a vodka and mercury martini himself. By eleven, he has taken to walking around the campsite introducing himself as "Snape - Severus Snape". Everyone else has taken to laughing hysterically at his attempts at sexiness. Draco seems bizarrely antsy about the results of the Gryffindor voting. Just after bedtime, the Bloody Baron disappears for several hours. Everyone else whinges about the fact that they're not getting any.

 

DAY EIGHT:

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe wakes to find Harry gone. Ron is more disappointed than worried, as he had been hoping for an early morning round of sleeping bag sharing. Hagrid bursts into tears. Fang appears to be mourning the loss of his feline playmate, and is sharpening his teeth on Hermione's book instead. No one else seems particularly worried about McGonagall's departure. 

**Slytherin:** While the Slytherins eat a lovely breakfast of mud-flavoured gruel, Draco complains of an eerie sensation of being watched. Pansy blushes and returns her attention to the sausage on her plate. Draco is still not satisfied, but is distracted from his whinging when Voldemort dispenses with the dishes by blowing them up. While Pansy removes shrapnel from Draco's back, Goyle teaches Crabbe to play dead.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry still hasn't returned. Hermione is starting to become very vocally worried. Ron offers to comfort her. The twins, however, have more luck in cheering her up, launching into a quick game of "toss the contents of Harry's bag through Sir Nicholas' head". Ron sulks in a corner, sick of being shown up by his brothers, and mutters something about reporting them to the authorities. Harry's absence leads to several attempts to form alliances against him. Unfortunately, just as Sir Nicholas is complaining particularly rampantly about The Boy Who Didn't Know The Meaning Of Teamwork, Harry reappears, discarding his luxury item invisibility cloak. The tribe is sheepish.

 **Slytherin:** Goyle sends Crabbe for the tree-mail. Five minutes later, he returns, dropping it at Goyle's feet. Unfortunately, however, the mail is unreadable, due to having been carried a couple of miles in Crabbe's considerably drooly mouth. Several very bad jokes are cracked about Crabbe being in the doghouse, most courtesy of Voldemort. Draco catches sight of the state of his hair in their water supply and is horrified. There is talk of him refusing to go to the reward challenge, but Pansy manages to persuading him otherwise by telling him that the grunge look is much sexier than his usual mummy's boy 'do.

 **The reward challenge:** The teams gather to find themselves looking at an obstacle course and a smugger-than-usual Jeff Probst. The decision that the latter is much more terrifying seems to be unanimous. The challenge is to run through, over and under all manner of items, concluding with a rather daunting jump from a large cliff into a river: 3 seasons of Survivor in one. The reward? The opportunity to bid on various items of food. The Gryffindor tribe gets off to a bad start, as Ron and the twins are too busy laughing at Draco's hair to realise that everyone else has started. Sir Nicholas and the Bloody Baron have no problems with any of the obstacles, simply floating through them, but Crabbe and Goyle find their girth and lack of fitness a slight problem and are hindered somewhat by Crabbe's leash, which keeps getting caught on the obstacles. Snape's hair proves useful for getting him through tight places, while Hagrid turns out to have a fear of heights, balking at the jump for several minutes before finally producing a belly-whacker of such distinction that it removes half of the water from the river. Despite his efforts, Gryffindor are clear losers. The twins set fire to the obstacle course to express their displeasure.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry is still annoyed with his tribemates and makes a big show of forming an alliance with Fang. Ron tries to make amends, but it appears that Harry's sleeping bag will remain one-occupant-only tonight. Hermione suggests a sing-along to lift the tribe's spirits. The tribe suggests that Hermione should start singing at her own risk. Hermione takes the rejection well. By the time everyone else's clothes have been retrieved from the river, it's time for dinner.

 **Slytherin:** The food auction is a qualified success. Crabbe and Goyle waste all of their money on the first offerings, while Draco reveals a surprising craving for peanut butter. After waiting for a mercury-filled item to appear, Snape ends up missing out entirely. Pansy puts away a surprising amount of food, while the Bloody Baron stands by and grumbles. Voldemort wanders off in a sulk after Jeff Probst refuses to let the Dark Lord buy one of the cameramen as a "proper meal". The tribe heads back to camp with horrible stomach pains.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe is in A Bad Mood. Even the twins are less enthusiastic than usual about sharing a sleeping bag. Everyone goes to bed early.

 **Slytherin:** Save for the Bloody Baron and Snape, the tribe is feeling very ill. Everyone goes to bed early. In his sleep, Draco mutters about peanut butter monsters.

 

DAY NINE:

 **Gryffindor:** After another round of late night ghostly frolicking, the tribe wakes to find Sir Nicholas wandering around the campsite with an annoyingly self-satisfied grin on his face. After a night without the use of _anyone's_ sleeping bag, Ron has turned an intriguing shade of blue. The twins cook breakfast  & give Hermione an especially large serving. The next couple of hours are spent trying to shrink her legs back to their usual length.

 **Slytherin:** Snape is first to rise. He cooks breakfast while waiting for the others to wake, somehow managing to produce a full cooked English breakfast for seven from rice, gruel, mercury and the spoils from a quick raid on the CBS supplies tent. Going by their appetites, his tribemates seem to have recovered from the previous night's illness. Bored with camp life, Voldemort decides to take up a new hobby. His floral centrepieces are a lovely addition to the tribal table.

 **Gryffindor:** Hagrid takes Fang for walkies and returns with a suspiciously familiar egg, rather than the tree-mail he was supposed to be fetching. The tribe gives him a collective Disapproving Look. Hagrid appears undaunted, and immediately takes to wandering around the campsite cuddling the egg and telling it fairy stories. Fang looks jealous. Harry reaffirms their alliance.

 **Slytherin:** No one can be arsed collecting the tree-mail. Snape spends a couple of hours huddled beneath a tree and muttering about bugs. There is talk of confiscating his mercury. Unfortunately, the only other tribe member with enough Potions knowledge to identify the correct bottle is Draco, and he is too busy attempting to comb his hair with his broomstick to assist. Plan B is implemented. With the sleeping bag over his head, Snape's mutterings are quietened considerably.

 **The immunity challenge:** The tribes are getting well and truly sick of the hike to the challenges. This time, when they arrive, Jeff Probst is sitting at the flattened edge of what appears to be a sharing circle. He informs the tribes that it'll be a general knowledge challenge. Hermione smiles confidently. In a twist on previous seasons, the team members are all asked the questions at the same time, with the last person standing winning immunity for their team. Crabbe and Goyle are first to fail, stumbling on the complicated first question of 'what is your name?'. Hagrid drops out on a question about hair care. A Star Trek question stumps Draco. Harry is next to go, still not knowing what he would get if powdered root of asphodel was added to an infusion of wormwood. Snape is not pleased. After giving a ten-minute lecture on the following question, Hermione is disqualified for being a smart-arse. The ghosts both drop out on a current affairs question. The challenge is brought to an abrupt end when Ron, Pansy, Snape and the twins suffer a mass exodus when asked to name the members of *NSYNC. Everyone stares at Voldemort. He shrugs, mutters something about MTV, and claims the immunity idol.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe's spirits are rather low. Worried about being the first tribe member to get a question wrong, Hagrid is reduced to singing ABBA songs to the egg in the corner. Fang and the others just stare into the fire for a few hours. Faced with the prospect of tribal council, Harry decides to forgive the rest of his tribe, and cooks them all a lovely meal from native plants to show them that there are no hard feelings. Unfortunately, his asphodel and wormwood stew turns out to have alarming side effects. Although happy to point and laugh at Harry's... uh, Harr _iet_ 's... new look, no one much fancies the stew.

 **Slytherin:** After a couple of hours of complaining that there's nothing to doooooo, Draco and Voldemort start up a Pokemon RPG. While no-one is particularly surprised when Draco decides to be Meowf, Voldemort's gleeful rendition of Pikachu is more of a brow-raiser. Crabbe and Goyle have obviously tired of the doggie gig and begin to mutter about handcuffs, much to the rest of the tribe's distress. 

**Gryffindor:** Hermione is making good use of her new gal-pal, enthralling Harriet with several hours' worth of talk about boys, shopping and tampons. Hagrid goes to 'water the dragon', returning to find the egg sitting dangerously close to the fire. Fang manages to look remarkably guilty for a dog. Harriet offers to share her sleeping bag with a very enthusiastic Ron. Hermione decides she doesn't like her... uh, him... uh, _it_... after all.

 

DAY TEN: 

**Gryffindor:** Fang wakes the tribe through his indignant barking at Hagrid's egg, which appears to be moving about of its own accord. Hagrid snaps quickly into mummy mode, while his tribemates transfer their glares from Fang to him. Hermione is pleased to see that Harriet has turned back into Harry, the stew obviously having worn off during the night. Ron seems less pleased, having enjoyed sharing a sleeping bag with a girl for the first time ever, although he admits to the twins that he'd actually been thinking about _another_ female Gryffindor with the initial H for a large proportion of their 'alliance'. 

**Slytherin:** By morning, Snape has, thankfully, stopped talking about man-eating bugs. Unfortunately, his new obsession seems to be his own fingers, which leads to him spilling his gruel and mercury breakfast smoothie all over his best robes. After an uncomfortable night, Crabbe and Goyle decide that handcuffs carved from rock are not the best idea they've ever had. Draco goes for an early morning broom ride, which serves only to turn his already-dodgy hairstyle into something akin to a blonde afro. Luckily, Malfoys Don't Cry.

 **Gryffindor:** During breakfast, Sir Nicholas bursts into tears and informs the tribe that he and the Bloody Baron broke up the night before. The others seem more worried about the loss of a spying opportunity than Sir Nicholas' broken heart. Harry offers to use his Invisibility Cloak to infiltrate the Slytherin camp again. Much is made of his use of the term 'again'.

 **Slytherin:** During breakfast, the Bloody Baron informs his tribe that he dumped Sir Nicholas the night before. The tribe applauds. Voldemort has taken to answering every question with different tonal variations on the word 'pikachu', resulting in him finding himself engaged to Pansy. Draco stops complaining about the state of his hair for long enough to get in a little complaining about feeling as though he's being watched again. No one cares.

 **Gryffindor:** Hagrid's egg hatches. Unsurprisingly, the contents turn out to be a baby dragon, which Hagrid promptly names Albus. His fellow Gryffindors are not impressed. They are even _less_ impressed when baby's first bellow manages to set fire to their shelter. Fang attempts to eat Albus, spurred on by the twins, but the scales prove rather hard going. Hermione seems to be a lot more interested in Ron in the post-Harriet aftermath, only slapping him the four times when he offers to help her with her sunscreen if she feels like doing a spot of nude sunbathing. Harry still hasn't returned.

 **Slytherin:** Goyle produces a PVC nurse's outfit from the depths of his backpack and he and Crabbe spend several happy hours playing doctors and nurses. Draco is still complaining about his mysterious watcher, his angst increasing significantly when he hears a disembodied giggle when an attempt to use gruel as hair gel goes horribly wrong. Pansy begins to drive Voldemort a little crazy (crazier) with her endless wedding-planning chatter.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry returns, looking rather flushed, and is quite surprised to find Hagrid cuddling a baby dragon. Once he's had a chance to change his pants, Harry's tribemates grill him on Slytherin's activities. While he turns out to be a wealth of knowledge on Draco's every thought and action, he doesn't seem to have found out anything particularly relevant to the game, although the twins seem rather inspired by Crabbe and Goyle's activities. Talk turns to the tribal council, but there isn't much time for planning alliances, as Albus shows his interest by setting fire to Harry and all three Weasleys. Hagrid is told that the dragon has to go. He refuses to part with his new-found love.

The **Tribal council:** Thanks to another spot fire that needs to be dealt with, Gryffindor are late to the council and not at all in the mood for Jeff Probst-style questioning once they arrive. Probst is given dragon-minding duties, but once his scorched hair has been replaced with a glossy new wig, he is quick to dispense with the questions, launching straight into the voting. Sir Nicholas receives one vote, but the rest all go to Hagrid. They are glad to see the dragon go, but is with much sadness that the other tribemates bid Fang farewell. 

**Slytherin:** Draco goes for an after-dinner fly, 'accidentally' ending up in the vicinity of Tribal Council, and soon returns to camp, informing everyone about Hagrid's departure and trying to appear disappointed that it wasn't Harry who left. Crabbe attempts to perform surgery on Nurse Goyle, with little success. Goyle is rushed to hospital. Snape sits in the corner, staring at his fingers.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry realises that the voting out of Hagrid and subsequent departure of Fang means he no longer has an alliance. He retires to bed in a sulk. The others soon follow.

 **Slytherin:** Snape fashions a yardstick out of a branch and drinks mercury until he passes out. The rest of the tribe retires soon afterwards and are lulled to sleep by Pansy's wedding plans.

 

DAY ELEVEN:

 **Gryffindor:** The stress of being stranded in Romania with her present company is beginning to get to Hermione and she wakes to find that large clumps of her hair have fallen out overnight. Ron offers to kiss it better. She _must_ be feeling ill, as she lets him. In his resulting romp around the campsite, he manages to wake everyone else up by stomping on their heads. Harry and the twins form an anti-stomping alliance. Sir Nicholas seems to be mildly suicidal. No one worries too much, seeing as he's already dead.

 **Slytherin:** Snape wakes up in a fantastic mood. His tribemates begin to seriously wonder about the mercury's side effects. Draco suggests the possibility of Snape having to leave early if CBS decides that he is medically at risk. Several notes are slipped to the cameramen to pass onto Mark Burnett. Goyle has not returned from the hospital. Snape is saddened by his loss. His tribemates stare at him strangely for a while. Pansy cooks a breakfast of Gruel au Goyle's Clothing. It's not very tasty.

 **Gryffindor:** The twins decide to build the biggest bonfire ever, in order to lift the tribe's spirits a little after the devastating loss of Fang. They build the base out of several chopped-down endangered trees and use unwanted objects, like the CBS cameras and Ron's pyjamas to help increase the size. Ron threatens to stoke the fire with _them_ if they don't stop destroying his possessions. The twins just laugh and toss his teddy bear into the bonfire. Harry volunteers to spy on the Slytherins again.

 **Slytherin:** Pansy is busy carving wedding invitations into rocks. The Bloody Baron is getting a little antsy now that he's without his nightly shag. No-one is very sympathetic. Draco is complaining about invisible watchers again, although his complaints don't seem to be anywhere near as heartfelt after a CBS cameraman tells him about Harry's luxury item... Snape dances around the camp, blowing kisses to Voldemort.

 **The reward challenge:** While the Gryffindor bonfire merrily destroys much of the Romanian wilderness, the two tribes come together once again for the challenge. Jeff Probst shoves bows and arrows at them before launching into a spiel about the historical significance of firing flaming arrows into targets. The tribes wonder why CBS still hasn't cottoned onto the idea that fire + tribes = bad idea. They are shown which three targets they are to hit and then set to it. Within a minute, the cameramen, Probst and most of the surrounding environment are aflame. The victims run around screaming, while Draco actually manages to hit a target, in between looking smug and unattainable. Voldemort is disqualified for misdirecting a covert Avada Kedavra towards Probst's smile technician. Harry hits the first Gryffindor target before entering into an "I'm better than you" staring competition with Draco. The others roll their eyes and get back to the task. Hermione takes out the next target. Snape rushes over to give her a congratulatory hug. The Gryffindors stare at him. While they’re otherwise occupied, both Crabbe and Pansy manage to hit targets. The Slytherins are too busy aiming arrows at Probst and the Gryffindors to celebrate. They are given their award - a crate of live chickens - and depart.

 **Gryffindor:** On the way back to the Gryffindor campsite, the tribemates find their route blocked by a large forest fire. The twins deny all responsibility. Sir Nicholas attempts to commit suicide by flinging himself into the flames. He is unsuccessful.

 **Slytherin:** The Slytherins are also thwarted by fire in their journey back to camp. Voldemort is not daunted, however, and uses a couple of cameramen to beat a path through the flames...

_*temporary break in vision*_

**Gryffindor:** The tribe finally makes it back to the campsite, only to find that very little of it has been left standing. The other Gryffindors show the twins that there are not hard feelings by lighting a new fire using the remainder of the twins' possessions as fuel. Hermione seems more worried about the fate of the chickens than the fire damage, and is not impressed when Harry suggests that she donate the latest clumps of her hair as nesting material. Ron comes to Hermione's defence, and sneaks in a quick grope in the process. The others _really_ start to worry about her health when she just pushes his hand aside, rather than cutting it off. Everyone goes to bed early, bemoaning the loss of their sleeping bags.

 **Slytherin:** The Slytherin campsite appears to be untouched by fire, which (as Draco mutters) is lucky for the Gryffindors. Not long after Snape presents everyone in the camp with daisychains, Goyle returns from his medical 'leave'. He is apparently not very pleased with Crabbe, going by the Cruciatus curses he mutters in greeting. Snape tries to lead everyone in a Spice Girls sing-along, but only Voldemort agrees to join in. After waiting a while for his watcher to make a non-appearance, Draco gives up and goes to bed. The others soon follow.

 

DAY TWELVE:

 **Gryffindor:** On waking, Hermione sets to planning a liberation movement to protest against the imprisonment of the reward chickens, calling it Chickens United for Non-restrictive Territory (CUNT). Harry reminds her of her unsuccessful Free Unhappy Caged Kelpies (...you do the math...) movement. Hermione wanders into a corner to sulk and pull out a few more strands of hair. The twins suggest another bonfire. The others ignore them.

 **Slytherin:** As a new day dawns, Crabbe and Goyle still aren't talking to each other. The rest of their tribemates are getting sick of relaying messages, especially as Chinese Whispers tends to result in comments like "Dumbledore sat on Filch's stuffed wombat". Pansy tries to heal the rift by asking them both to be her bridesmaids, but this only leads to a heated argument about who looks better in peach taffeta. Once the chicken has been removed from Crabbe's nether regions, no-one much feels like breakfast.

 **Gryffindor:** Sir Nicholas is still suicidal. Attempts to drown himself in the water bucket, pluck out his heart with a rusty spoon and poison himself with the twins' cooking are all unsuccessful due to his already-dead status. Hermione tries to be helpful by telling him about the Muggle movie, "The Exorcist". Sir Nicholas spends the next few hours hiding behind a tree, keeping a close look out for Catholic priests. Harry heads off on another spying mission.

 **Slytherin:** The Bloody Baron wanders off, muttering something about finding something to shag. Snape happily spends a few hours calculating "perfect matches" in the dirt. He is overjoyed to discover that he has an eighty-five percent chance of hooking up with Dobby. Draco decides to go for a broomstick ride, only to discover it has a puncture. He launches into a sulk, only to be quite startled by a disembodied (albeit rather familiar) voice offering to kiss it better. Figuring it doesn't count if they're invisible, Draco accepts the offer. The others point and laugh at what appears to be Draco pashing thin air. 

**The immunity challenge:** The tribes meet *again*, looking rather sick of the whole damn shebang. Well, except for Harry and Draco who are too busy avoiding each others' eyes. Jeff Probst (wearing a rather garish new 'beehive' wig, which is rather reminiscent of the B52s) points them to some oversized, multicoloured building blocks, arranged into two circles. He explains that, in a demented version of twister, one member of the team will be required to take one block away each time a spinner lands on that colour. The tribes look at him as though he's mad, then climb onto their blocks. The challenge doesn't last long. While the Gryffindors are more than happy to snuggle, the Slytherins absolutely _refuse_ to so much as touch each other, except of course for Snape, who is rather enjoying goosing Voldemort. As soon as the second block is removed, they others all throw in the towel rather than facing the prospect of catching cooties from one of their teammates. The Gryffindors run around celebrating, while Voldemort builds a Dark Mark out of the building blocks.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe is surprisingly pumped about their win by default, and they spend about an hour just wandering around the campsite yelling "woo!" in a particularly American manner. Harry seems to be slightly more subdued than the others, tending to shout his "woo"s with a very shocked - albeit pleased - expression on his face. The celebrations die down when a particularly large chunk of Hermione's hair falls out, tripping Ron and sending him flying. The rest of the evening is consumed by the tribe's attempts to remove a rather large tent pole from Ron's derriere. Once this goal is achieved, the tribe goes to bed, trying to ignore Sir Nicholas' suicidal moaning.

 **Slytherin:** Draco is in a peculiar mood, and not entirely due to the incessant teasing of his tribemates. Snape gathers him a bouquet of wildflowers to make him feel better. While tearing them into little pieces and making Snape cry is _reasonably_ good therapy, he still remains a little out of it for the rest of the evening. Pansy begins to make her wedding dress, using only leaves, berries and chicken feathers. Crabbe and Goyle still refuse to speak to each other. Snape seeks comfort in Voldemort's arms. Just to shut him up, Voldemort offers to share his sleeping bag. They go to bed early. The Bloody Baron wanders off to "hunt up a damn shag". The others are kept awake for hours by Snape's giggles.

 

DAY THIRTEEN:

 **Gryffindor:** Harry sneaks off at daybreak for some more "spying". When the others awaken, they're not particularly surprised (or disappointed) to notice him gone. The twins set to making breakfast from various species of native critter that the forest fire had, so helpfully, killed _and_ cooked for them. Hermione is now almost half bald, although Ron still seems to find her shaggable, especially now that she's beginning to realise that people with tufty heads can't afford to be too picky. Sir Nicholas takes to composing depressing poetry. It doesn't rhyme.

 **Slytherin:** After being woken by an incorporeal "pssst", Draco disappears off into the forest, muttering something that sounds an awful lot like "invisible Potters don't count". The rest of the tribe is woken by Snape's loud and tuneless rendition of "Oh, What A Beautiful Morning". They are not impressed. Voldemort threatens to cut of Snape's mercury supply if he doesn't shut up. Snape shuts up. The Bloody Baron returns from a night on the pull. Going by his expression, he didn't have much success. Voldemort breaks into Jeff Probst's hotel room to watch Masters Of The Universe re-runs.

 **Gryffindor:** After the twins tell him that his poetry is crap, Sir Nicholas tries to hang himself. The rope goes through, rather than around, his neck, however, and yet another suicide attempt is thwarted. Harry returns from his morning's spying with some rather suspicious looking red marks on his neck. He tells his tribemates that they are mosquito bites, but they are less inclined to believe him after he admits that he has no idea what the Slytherins were doing all morning. The twins take to calling Hermione "Chernobyl Girl". Hermione takes to telling the twins how un-PC they are, in between throwing rocks at their heads.

 **Slytherin:** Pansy suddenly realises that her future husband spent the previous night in a sleeping bag with her Potions professor, and launches into a loud and seemingly endless tantrum. Voldemort informs her that he doesn't intend to marry her anyway, as he'll be too busy ruling the world to consider a wife (although he might change his mind if Skeletor was to come onto the market...). Pansy becomes hysterical and begins to rip her wedding dress into shreds. Provoked by all the fuss, Goyle and Crabbe suddenly realise how much they miss each other and run across the camp in slow motion before launching themselves into each other's arms for a big hug. Draco just sits around looking smug.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry is fretting. He says it's because he misses Hedwig, but no one is particularly convinced. Ron's suggestion that he might be worried about Draco being voted out at tribal council is met with a heated denial and a right hook. Ron retires to Hermione's arms for comfort. She actually gives him some. The others are disgusted by the blatant Het content of their campsite and quickly depart for the woods. The twins swing from trees like monkeys and actually manage to provoke a smile from Sir Nicholas.

The **Tribal council:** Pansy is still hysterical. Jeff Probst seems to find her vaguely scary. Voldemort asks the cameramen if any of them have Skeletor's phone number. Pansy throws her sacred torch at him. She misses. The newly-impaled Probst doesn't seem to be very interested in questions any more, and sends everyone off to vote. One (tearstained) vote goes to Voldemort, while the rest go to Pansy. No big surprise.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe is only vaguely surprised when Draco shows up to inform everyone that he's still in the game. They are even less surprised when Harry seems happy to receive the information. The 'enemies' trade insults for half an hour before Draco's departure. Harry immediately retires to bed, thoroughly sated. The twins find a large spider and chase a screaming Ron around the campsite for hours. Hermione begins to work on a comb-over. 

**Slytherin:** Voldemort seems rather unconcerned about the loss of his fiancée, instead building a fireplace just so he can have a quick bout of Floo Sex with Lucius. Draco returns from his trip to the Gryffindor camp to this sight and spends the rest of the night huddling under a bush muttering. Snape decorates the camp with flowers and berries before retiring to bed with a hot cup of mercury. Crabbe and Goyle simply sit around hugging each other a lot. The Bloody Baron mutters something about "blue bloody balls" and heads off to patch things up with Sir Nicholas.

 

DAY FOURTEEN: 

**Gryffindor:** Hermione wakes to find her eyebrows have thinned considerably overnight. Horrified, she uses a mix of mud and gruel to fill in the gaps. Ron seems unworried by the latest development and is still more than happy to chase her around the campsite asking her for a shag. The twins seem particularly curious about her predicament, especially in relation to whether the hair loss is occurring _all_ over her body. Hermione seems unwilling to accept their questioning as mere scientific interest. While the twins try to get their clothing down from the trees, Ron points and laughs from a safe distance.

 **Slytherin:** Snape decides to take a quick jog around the area before breakfast and returns with a new friend. His tribemates can't decide what is more worrying: the fact that Snape has befriended a fully-grown Norwegian Ridgeback... or the fact that he's called it Hagrid "for old times' sake". Voldemort spends the morning carving a stick into a crude model of Mr T. No one is brave enough to question his actions, even when he steals the bristles from Goyle's toothbrush in order to make a realistic mohawk.

 **Gryffindor:** Sir Nicholas is significantly less suicidal after a night's worth of frolicking with the Bloody Baron. He is unimpressed when his tribemates refuse to listen to a blow-by-blow description of the hot ghost-on-ghost action and wanders off to one side to relate it all to a tree instead. Harry dons his invisibility cloak and disappears for a couple of hours of extensive spying activity. Although invisible to the eye, the others are able to track his progress by the overpowering smell of too much cheap after-shave.

 **Slytherin:** Snape's dragon friend is tamer than would be expected, but it soon becomes apparent that he has not been house trained when the tribe returns from a water run to discover much of the campsite is knee-deep in dragon dung. Snape is loath to clean it up, saying that it 'adds atmosphere', but Voldemort wins the argument with a couple of Cruciatus curses and some creative use of the Avada Kedavra. Once the campsite is cleared up, Voldemort walks his new Mr T doll around the area, stopping every metre or so to shout 'I pity da fool who mocks the Dark Lord'. Pity or not, his tribemates feel the need to mock anyway.

 **Reward challenge:** The tribes get together for yet another reward challenge. Jeff Probst appears bearing Hobnobs (a packet each of plain, milk chocolate and dark chocolate) and enjoys an immediate surge in popularity before the tribes realise it's the challenge reward. The tribes are directed towards large jigsaw puzzles and told to arrange the pieces into a huge portrait of Probst's face. No one is particularly enthused at the prospect, but they get to work anyway. Slytherin produces something resembling a Picasso, but Gryffindor is more successful, thanks to the directions of Hermione. While the Gryffindors stuff their faces with biscuits, the Slytherins loudly state that Hobnobs are for sissies and pretend not to notice Goyle's tears.

 **Gryffindor:** The tribe is feeling ill from eating too many Hobnobs in too short a period of time. Sir Nicholas looks smug in an I-don't-have-the-ability-to-stuff-myself-with-biscuits-until-I-throw-up sort of way. Hermione finds that mud and gruel eyebrows tend to attract insects. While she runs around screaming, Harry tries to shoo away the wasps with his invisibility cloak. They seem to quite enjoy the cool breeze however, finding it very conducive to mass stinging activities.

 **Slytherin:** Snape's mercury supplies are beginning to run low. The mere thought is enough to send him to Hagrid the dragon for a cuddle. The others begin to wonder if they are 'just good friends' after all... While Crabbe and Goyle cuddle by the campfire, Voldemort and Draco spend an enjoyable evening reminiscing about the wonders of boxing Mr T dolls. Voldemort bemoans the lack of miniature boxing gloves in the Romanian wilderness.

 

DAY FIFTEEN:

 **Gryffindor:** Hermione wakes to a clamour of giggling and pointing. Worried, she dashes to their water supply, only to find that her entire face has swollen, thanks to the wasp stings. Devastated, she runs off into the forest, shouting Arithmancy formulae at the unsuspecting wildlife. 

**Slytherin:** The tribe wakes to find that Snape has made them all Harry Potter voodoo dolls as 'just because' presents. Despite being very vocal about his enthusiasm for the gift, Draco seems rather loath to try it out. Voldemort wakes to find that his Mr T doll has been defaced. He is horrified and does not find the handlebar moustache amusing.

 **Gryffindor:** Hermione slinks back into the campsite, trying to conceal her phenomenally puffy face with an artfully arranged veil of ivy. The rest of the tribe tries to console her with helpful comments like "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and "it's the personality that matters anyway". Her temporary revival is destroyed by Sir Nicholas, whose comment that she wasn't much to look at to begin with is taken rather badly.

 **Slytherin:** Snape gives his Harry Potter voodoo doll pigtails, then decides to style his own hair to match. An heated argument ensues about which of the two looks more like a stupid girlie-boy waste of space. Snape wins the ensuing riot by a narrow margin. To work off some steam, Voldemort takes his doll on a long walk, muttering Cruciatus curses at anything unfortunate enough to wander into his path.

 **Immunity challenge:** The tribes gather. A bored-looking Jeff Probst reveals that the CBS gurus couldn't be bothered thinking up a proper challenge, so each team is asked to nominate two players each to play the Sweet Valley High board game - with the ultimate victor winning immunity for their team. Voldemort immediately claims Jessica, while Draco concedes to play - as long as he can be Lila. Puffy!Hermione makes an appropriate Liz, while Ron takes on Enid. After twenty minutes of play (including a temper tantrum from Voldemort when Ron steals Jess' boyfriend), Draco emerges the victor. Harry applauds a little too loudly... especially as he's the only person doing so. 

**Gryffindor:** Hermione reaches a new depth of depression, actually allowing Ron a quick grope, with the proviso that he doesn't try to look at her face. Ron is more than happy to comply with the condition. She is buoyed by the attention... until George observes in passing that poison ivy seems a strange choice for an accessory worn against the face. Everyone retires early to bed, hoping that sleep will drown out Hermione's wails.

 **Slytherin:** Voldemort designates the evening "Eighties Revival Night". Mr T is emcee, Snape whips up some cocktails on his chemistry set and Crabbe and Goyle provide an impressive drag show as entertainment. Draco even manages to stop staring off into the distance with a lovestruck look on his face for a couple of hours. After a few rounds of "Turning Japanese", Voldemort is in a much better mood, and falls asleep hugging the wooden Mr T.

 

DAY SIXTEEN:

 **Gryffindor:** Hermione wakes with the resolution to commit suicide planted firmly in her mind. She finds Sir Nicholas, ready to ask him for a few tips, but is put off by his lecherous stare. Disturbed, she seeks out a water mirror once again and is stunned into very uncharacteristic silence. The combination of hair loss, wasp stings and poison ivy has been good to her. She is beautiful. Forgetting all her feminist notions, she decides to find herself a boyfriend to celebrate.

 **Slytherin:** While the rest of the tribe eats breakfast, Snape and Hagrid entertain them with a performance art production of Xanadu. Voldemort is most impressed, admitting to a soft spot for Olivia Newton John, and promising Hagrid that he will make him his right hand dragon when he is ruler of the world. Snape pouts. The others stare at the peculiar phenomenon. Voldemort wakes up with a real Dark Lord of a hangover. He is no longer at all enamoured of early eighties pop culture, but finds that his Mr T doll works particular well as firewood.

 **Gryffindor:** Ron spends the morning staring at the new, improved supermodel!Hermione. Even Harry manages to stop talking about how much he hates Draco and how little he would care if he never saw him again for long enough to check out her cleavage before donning his invisibility cloak and setting off to do some 'spying'. The twins are less impressed by Hermione's changes, telling her that they find the thought of dating a non-family member quite repulsive. Hermione bites her tongue, then does some quick tribal council campaigning as soon as they're gone.

 **Slytherin:** Voldemort is back in high spirits, prancing about the campsite shouting, "I call you, Pikachu," and muttering obscenities about Team Rocket. After a few hours of this, he decides to create a Dark Mark out of rice and gruel. The others are not impressed when they realise that he has used up their entire food supply. Draco sits in a corner, shivering and pretending it has nothing to do with the upcoming Gryffindor tribal council. Crabbe and Goyle braid each other's hair.

 **Tribal council:** Jeff Probst stares at Hermione's chest for five minutes before launching into the usual tribal council questioning. No one is particularly inclined to answer, save for Harry, who prattles on about how much he hates all Slytherins, and especially Draco. Nobody believes a word of it. They cast their votes. Sneaking the occasional peak at Hermione, Probst reads out the verdict: two votes to Harry, the rest to George. The twins chuck a tanty. George is physically removed. The tribe returns to camp with Fred wailing and gnashing his teeth all the way.

 **Gryffindor:** Harry wanders off to (invisibly) let Draco know he's still around. Hermione decides to let Ron share her non-existent sleeping bag, prompting him to become dangerously close to wetting himself with excitement. Unfortunately, he succumbs to performance anxiety at the last moment, and Hermione has to finish the job herself. Everyone else retires early to bed, hoping that this time sleep will drown out _Ron's_ wails.

 **Slytherin:** Snape finds a rogue hibiscus plant in the forest, obviously left over from the first series, and uses the flowers to adorn his new do. The Bloody Baron is rather vocal about his opinion that shampoo would have been a more helpful accessory. Snape attempts to give him a bear hug in response. The Bloody Baron is glad that he is a ghost for the first time in years and quickly wanders off to spend the night shagging Sir Nicholas.

(UNFINISHED)

**24th January 2002**


End file.
